A LOVE AFFAIR

And you asked me what I want…

I probably want too many things and none of them concern you… you probably can’t give me the things that I really need… but still I’m here… with you. Why? I can’t answer why, I don’t know, probably timing, you were there, I was there, good timing and it just happened, I was very bored and I allowed you into my life.

You weren’t my first choice, but you were there as I said, what does that tell you about me? I’m probably a sad little girl who thinks she doesn’t deserve to be loved because once she was evil. I’m that girl who probably thinks she is too good and you should be adoring the ground where she steps onto, I’m probably all these girls, the strong, the scared, the independent, the tiny little woman desperate to get someone to see her, accept her and take her.

But still, I don’t know what I want, probably I want nothing, I don’t know, I’m happy, but is that enough? Is not just being comfy, it looks that’s what you want, and  that’s so not me, I probably never been into relationships because they really trouble me, I don’t know what to do with so many feelings, what am I meant to do with all these? They’re burning my insides and I wish I could puke them all, I’m going to have to push you away because you’re making me feel weak so I’m going to have to runaway, you probably won’t understand but this is how I deal with things, feelings, emotions, time for me to scape, do I want a happy ending? Do I want a sad one? Am I building this fence between us? Am I trying to destroy whatever is we have? I’m so full of questions that I don’t want to answer. Why can’t you just be in love with me and tell that you want to be with me and that I can rely on you? That you would take care of me? I can’t breathe, the air in this room feels so thick, it’s hot, too warm, I feel my head it’s spinning around, I need to open the window, I need to jump, not jump, run, I want to run, so fast , I hate running, but I can run away from you without making an effort, cos probably you would just sit and let me go and if you are going to do this then I couldn’t care less about you and I don’t want you. Is it me being impatient? Is it me just being me? Visceral, irrational, full of passion and crazy, can you love me this crazy? Could you love this crazy girl? Do I really want you to?

And you asked me what I want…and I…I still don’t know…

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