THE GIRL WHO COULDN’T CRY

  • Hello…

It was the third time today that someone was calling me and then won’t answer. I don’t know why I was picking up the phone. I was hoping that it was someone important calling me. This is how pathetic it’s my existence now. Since Joe left me I’ve become this sort of dramatic clown, always trying to make fun of myself, what else should I do? Should I be crying or something like that? I’ve heard from people that crying it’s actually a relief and helps healing. I still don’t see the point on crying, perhaps because my dad told me that I should never cry, that was stuff for weak people, that being strong was holding your tears. I trained since I was a child not to cry. It’s not like I went to bootcamp or something like that, I taught myself how to do it. Oh, shit! Tears are coming! Think on good stuff, kittens, puppies, shit like that. Right, hold your tears, if you manage you can eat as much chocolate as you want for a week. Done! This is how you do it! Pathetic, isn’t it?

But now Joe it’s gone…

I should have seen it coming, but I was too blind and focus on myself, I didn’t see that he was upset and probably need it more attention, I never thought he could find someone that was going to treat him better of what I used to do. I mean , I was nicer at the beginning, because everything was new and it was so exciting, but then, it was just the same shit every day, living together, walking together, sleeping together, where was the excitement? He was too needy and I was too independent. I guess I should have bought a cat instead of a dog!

But now Joe it’s gone…

I’m so sad that I wish I could cry, I haven’t cried since I was 8, now I’m 28, so I think I’ve done pretty well. I’ve been running around trying to find the bloody creature but he left no trace, stupid dog! Probably he has found new parents… I’d rather think that … he might be dead I know… Gosh! Poor Joe, such a cute dog! So loyal and so well behaved… but so needy, I couldn’t deal with so much need! … I couldn’t deal with his emotions…probably he left with my ex-boyfriend, Joe. Like human, like dog, now I’m all on my own, and the only thing I can think is that I wish I could cry, I wish I could cry, like everybody else will do, lost your boyfriend, lost your dog, cry, get drunk, go and fuck someone else, cry, eat like a pig, stop eating for a week and then start again, this is how we all heal, isn’t it? Stupid creatures! Silly me! I’m not going to cry, big girls don’t cry, I don’t cry… OMG! I’m crying! I did it! Well done, me!

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